i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
