I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
