I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
