My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
