My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
