There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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