I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
