Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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