My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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