How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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