Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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