If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
