i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
