I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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