just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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