i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
