Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
