The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We need a shit load of segways right now
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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