I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
