I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
