It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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