so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
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you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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