So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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