im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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