so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
