he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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