just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Vodka?
Forever.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
