Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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