My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
