i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
how drunk are you?
Several
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
