You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
