im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
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If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
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The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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