pop tarts are not kleenex
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
