How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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