I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Four minutes until I can fart!
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I don't deserve a penis
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
