my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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