I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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