I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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