My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
