I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
