getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
