Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
