ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
