Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
