if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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