Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
