how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
