ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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