It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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