I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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