Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
