All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
