Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
