I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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