Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I need to sanitize my soul.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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