we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
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Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
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And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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