Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
