My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Randomize
